EvaSoul

Just me my thoughts, my writings, my blog space*

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Take this rose as a token of my appreciation. The scent has its own identity, just like my love for you. I hope you can see, how much this really means, take it from me.

Together we can rock the charts, make love off the rictor scale, inspire nations to take a stand, let them know we have a plan. We're gonna take it to the next level, take it to the top, because we're gonna lead and not follow.

Like Malcolm fighting for what he believs, like Mariah leaving cuz she was unhappy, like Tina singing what she feels, like I am pouring my heart out to you.

I'm getting excited, I'm losing my breath. You've got my popular vote. You stand for so much more. You mean what you say, you're sincere in every way. I could use three little words, but you already know. You make me wanna give more than I ever did, no limit to where this can lead, you put that spell on me.

Good as gold, your word, solid as a rock you are, I always knew you were gonna come, that's why I saved my all for you baby.

I only want a percentage baby, I know you can’t give it all
You’ve got your family and I’ve got my respect.
There’s something we can’t deny, we both feel it and it’s another night.
I’m up thinking of you, you must be too.
Cuz in the morning, the first thing you do is call me or send me an email telling me how you couldn’t sleep.

Who can we turn to, how are we gonna sort this out.
Do we act foolishly or do we seek guidance.
Will it lead us away from our feelings, we both have this built up inside.

Maybe I should call a priest, and if he don’t have the answers, maybe I’ll go see my rabbi, and if he don’t say what I want to hear, I’ll pray to Allah. For some direction, because I don’t know what’s right anymore.

When it comes to you, I thought I’d always just say no.

My momma is gonna scream I think, my daddy’s gonna lose it.
What are my friends gonna say when they find out it’s you.
And your wife? My best friend, my confidant, she’s gonna lose her mind.

Don’t scream my name. You’re gonna lose your life and my life is gonna take a turn for the worse. Everything we’ve come to know will not be familiar anymore, and the tears, there will be streams of them.

We’ll have each other, or will we? And although that may be all we need now, it’s not a lot for me to live on, not for the rest of my life.

I’m gonna lose my family, my respect; my values will have no value. I had standards, but they will stand for nothing. I am not gonna lose my friends, I just can’t. I can’t let you lose your life, your wife, my friend, my confidant. So next time at this table don’t look at me that way. Don’t suggest with your eyes that you and I are connected because we are not, we cannot. Don’t pour my drink or make funny conversation, don’t be overly happy to see me, I am not here for you, look away and pretend I am not here. I will be watching you on the other side of this room, watching you - so don’t make any funny moves. I’ll be watching you.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Positive people have negative moments too.
Even when you look at the glass half full you are aware that the world is seeing the opposite.
Most people don’t share in your sentiment and you are often basking in your successes alone. Even when you are at your most optimistic moments the reality is a lot around you is uncomfortable and pessimistic. You know you are above the gravitation pull however the more positive you are the more it seems things around you are trying to drag you through the mud. I want to end all misconception that staying afloat is easy, it’s a lot of work. Constant practice that you hope becomes habit. A desire to keep reaching when the base is hardly concrete. Perhaps it’s like a sweet dessert, once you’ve tasted it you constantly want to go back. For those who’ve never enjoyed the flavor can’t yearn for something they’ve never acquired a taste for. They don’t understand and for that reason fight it. They are not against you or intentionally do you harm, they are rejecting a comfort that is foreign to them. Block them out of your mind, the negative that is, and keep pushing forward. Once you’re covered by the downside they will have you believe they won. Sometimes even before getting up again, it’s ok to walk among them. It’s a brilliant plan to learn their ways before returning to your own. Perhaps that’s all being a positive person is, is equipping yourself with the weapon of knowledge that they have no clue exist. I tend to walk in both worlds parallel. So that I always keep a step ahead. I almost make myself retreat to the negative so that I can use to build myself up and feel more positive than ever. I punishment of sorts to remind me that this is somewhere I don't want to be. At least until I reach the destination of that place where I will be free to soar in my positively excellent bliss.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I want cheesecake!
I want pollution, I want pizza and Ben & Jerry’s.
I want Times Square and the little ghetto bus, I want to read while I travel through midtown.
I want to smile at a stranger and look at others who are even stranger and I want to step into the subway and stand holding the rail. Ok, am lying I can’t reach the one on top, so I’ll hold the vertical one. I want to look as if I know where I am going and watch everyone else scattering in their own direction. I want to hear the music echo of the underground and independent artists breathing and living their art. I want to see the fashion, each original style and the obvious change of season, I want to see what I know I am the first to see, while the rest of the world must wait, months probably.
I want fresh sushi, lobster and coffee, I want to walk behind the star that is enjoying this as much as me, grab a bagel or a juicy Nathan’s hotdog. I want to turn in any direction and see something interesting, unique, every crumb of this place that has it’s own identity. Though we rarely look up, we feel closer to the sky, above the rest of the world. See all these things and appreciate them and try to be different, unlike other places I’ve seen, that accept the norm/standard, bland comparisons amongst themselves, funny, and they compete at it too. We, on the other hand, ok on both hands, are colorful and light, we’re smiling, although it’s disguised to the human eye. Even when we are alone, we feel a part of the big picture of the apple. It’s big, red and juicy! Only in a place like this can this fruit be found. You are biting into something that only you can taste, a flavor that you will carry with you forever, and you know it’s true as you are the envy of every living creature that only dreams of standing in your shoes, that you bought at a bargain, as you dance to the tune that your neighbor is playing and smell the food cooking in the world outside your window. Life is full of energy and you are a part of the energy that makes up this life. You’ve joined a secret society that you would go down defending until the very end. You have a silent bond with the people, park, animals and art. You are one. Everyone one else stands out, you almost giggle inside because no one having this rich taste of cheesecake that you now have in your mouth…hehehe For the first time men in suits reading the paper of corporate America are cool, the old lady with the funny hat, or even the crowd of rebellious kids are a part of this recipe. Nothing is out of place, and nothing is better than being in this place.

Remember that happiness is a way of travel and not a destination*
Amazing quote. I love it, it's on my calendar on my desk.
What an inspiring thing to see in January, right after the new year and having left all by-gones and negativity in the previous year, I must admit that at least for the time being before something makes my world look gray again, a positive attitude and a peaceful spiritual cleansing is so powerful. I prayed I'd find that open, in the moment, just keep going attitude again. It's been a little while since I felt that, and thank the good heavens that I do because I know that it was missing. The New Year, prayer, letting go of evil and negativity and perhaps luck has given me that feeling again. It's been developing in the last week, but today is a remarkable day. I'm flying like an eagle, shooting like a star and feel the world within my reach. Boy, did I need it, and I am going to love it and cherish it and hope that I'll be back to read this when I might feel distant and alone again. Smile in your heart, I'm smiling in mine. I want to hug, my chest is yearning for it, I want to share this feeling. If I touch and reach out, I only hope I could pass it on, because it does exsist and it's so hard for some people, sometimes even hard for me, but everyone should know this feeling and find a way to get back to it every chance they can, because I will....I am memorizing every moment right now and the taste of it, the smell of it, I will wear this sweater again, it's yellow with strips and the perfume is called Romance, sweet and inviting.....

The chimes click against the window, the echo of the wind is deep and thick, the attic creeks almost as if someone was walking above my head, but no such luck. The house is quite empty. I look around and the onset of a storm is whistling outside, are they trying to tell me something, why do they keep crying for my attention. I have things to do, they could just as easily go about their business and leave me be. I can barely hear the TV and I can’t concentrate on my book. You don’t realize I have my candles and matches ready in case you continue to harass me and try leaving me in the dark. I hear you, I am listening patiently to your every move. My eyes follow the sounds, I am one step ahead and I know eventually you will leave. Yes, you will leave as your kind always does, and I’ll be here. Yes, I’ll be here alright, since the sun isn’t much fun, I’ll be here, it doesn’t talk to me or pick on me like you do, at least I can argue with you, even if you raise your voice, you are harmless to me. I mean, I should appreciate the company even if unusual, I am bored out of mind half the time and I don’t have anyone to talk to, but I have you don’t I. Well what are you waiting for? Let the storm set in, why are you holding back, let me know you are still here. What are you scared of, my lights are flickering, my candles are near their end, yet you can’t come out and say it, can you? You just want to make it hard on me and in the end you’ll still have the last laugh. Can’t you just stay, spare me the time of waiting until you return.

Oh Silent Misery, desperate and silent, agonizing tyrant, a constant haunting evil spirit, demonizing fear, damn it you excite me. The more you hurt me the more I want you, I crave for you, I crave to hurt the pain that you feed. Tear my heart out and put it back in, watch me suffer and then hold me again. Touch me in the deepest core and scratch me so the scars remain a carving into the bark of my heart and memory. I can't stand the thought of leaving, but staying is my lethal injections that addict me to the pain and the near death experiences over and over again. With one stroke of the holy knife I could cut you out of my skin.
God, oh God -

My heart is empty and my stomach aches, I am not whole, I am weak; a broken winged angel, the more tortured, the more I stay. What is this prison without walls that holds me; you are a guard without a gun, yet I shutter to walk away from my capture. You've taken me out of myself, please put me back in. I am empty, frozen, alone in your presence, I long to be whole again. My stomach aches, my head pounds, I plan my escape, but I'd fall to pieces on the outside. Being controlled is more fun than being alone, crying out, searching, I did that once and it lead me to you. I laugh at this vicious circle that might bring you around again. The torture never ends, why can't I get you out of my head. I spin in the middle of the room hoping that the roof will cave in on my head and these thoughts will be scared from coming out again. It seems as if there's no end, I wipe my face of the tears, I can hear you walking up the stairs again.

Monday, January 10, 2005

For all the men like you
a gift for your travels, as you paint the town
a portrait to remind you, what girls like me go through
loving you, holding you and supporting you
not a word of gratitude
just remember these words and small gestures
of respect and appreciation, loyalty
all of which were given to you on a silver platter
could be the best gift you could give in return.
If you don't hear me, or if you chose not to,
you won't see the colors that are so clear in the picture.
Do you chose to be colorblind to the obvious,
I'm dying inside and you clearly can't see.
I'll stand strong, I won't let you see me through love's eyes anymore,
to prove you wrong, I'm my own person, you don't define me.
You can't say I'm nothing without you, a kiss for luck, I'm on my way.

I should be happy, but I feel so lonely
All the love all around, but nothing inside
I should cry, release the hold and open the passage
that is locked away to protect me from the dangers of emptiness
many things around, but no substance,
I think I am feeling, but I am merely moving through space
like a fly making many meaningless stops,
finding warm places to feed, rest and recoup before I take off
to the next stop where I will search for my purpose.
Breathe and exhale,
trying to help fill the hole that I painfully feel in my core,
when I had you I had reason, now I have space~

Hi I'm Eva, nice to meet you*

Welcome, as I have finally set this up I have many blogs ready to post...I hope you will share in my writing experience and at times offer your thoughts. Writing is an exciting release. It's my pleasure to finally open my heart and soul and share me with you.